Waste of time
Waste of effort
Waste of supplies
Waste of resources
Waste of a life...
So I realized that I have yet to write an emo post in a while. Well, more like my friend commented saying how she was going to read my new entry, but I didn't really have a new one so she felt discouraged (right word?). Anyway yea...
I had a random part one, so I decided to name this part two since there is no point really in this post other than the usual nonsensical ranting... come to think of it many of my posts are random and nonsense.
Have you ever sat around and just created a scenario in your head? I mean like you really play out an entire scene of what you want to happen, where it happens, dialog and everything? Then you desire for it to become a dream so that you may feel those actual feelings and meet each person you created? Have I lost you? If I have, darn sucks for you, if not then yay, good for you. Either way you won't end up dreaming about what you want and instead you either get a nightmare or you don't recall any dream at all.
But then you sit there the next morning and you continue working on your own little play going through your head, hours pass by, days, weeks, and you’re still thinking about it. The idea alone has peaked your interest and you don't want to let it go. You just don't want to come back to reality.
Reality sucks. Fuck it. You have people whom question your word, constantly feel the need to prove you wrong, annoy the fucking hell out of you and make you feel guilty. You work all your life and hang out with people and then what? You die. End of discussion. You're dead. Next question, why do we live then? Why? because people are so god damn afraid to perish. They feel like they are necessary in the evolution of human life. Well note to you, humans are the ones destroying everything that was once beautiful and are creating new terms as to what beauty really is.
The made up world you create feels so much more lavish and enjoyable, why? Because you made it. You can control the outcomes. You can allow whatever you want to happen. In your world, you're the omnipotent one.
Now I'm not saying I want to die tomorrow, hell no. I would enjoy continuing going on, and if someone pointed a gun to my head I doubt the first thing I would do, would be to calmly say "shoot me." No, I can't even do that. But to fear a simple perish is pointless. Before you were born you did not exist, so when you leave you won't exist again. End of discussion.
Those that enjoy this annoying game of life continue to play and create alternate scenarios and levels so that they either 1. Do not bore and 2. Do not fail. Those that just aren't mentally prepared to take the game into their hands and think outside the box are the ones we randomly read about commiting suicides. Isn't that lovely?
Psh. So what is my point exactly? However you take this that is your issue. I don't feel like always having to justify my actions because others do not understand or grasp what I am trying to say. If you do, then I applaud you. If you don't then don't waste my time and get mad at me. Instead I should be getting mad at you, but everyone thinks differently so I should not expect so much.
But seirously, did you ever stop to question? Or do you just keep going with the flow?
How do you escape and save yourself?
I'd love to tell you how I do, maybe in another entry when I feel like typing out the story that has been playing and replaying in my had for hours now.
She sits at the stairwell with a mind full of nothing. Constant slamming of doors, random talking through the hollows of the spaces between the doors. Unwanted voices that pierce into the silence of the moment. A moment where cars drive by, trains roar past and trees stand still.
Unable to grasp anything to do she sits there on the stairwell peering out a window that is chopped in half by the platform of the stairwell. The day seems to be calm, the movements are non-existent. But as she sits on a step, staring out she cannot hear anything but the faint clicks of a keypad and the constant murmurs of conversations coming and going.
The world outside seems to be in utter stillness. A car drives past slowly making its way up a hill and then disappears; the birds flutter quickly from one branch to another and then stay perfectly still. In the distance it holds random flashes of light from the reflection of the bright sun. No sound can be heard. Even mimicking the sounds in her head do not register. All se can hear is the fain clicking of a keypad.
Her eyes do not shift from their position, continuing to stay as still as the world on this day. Calm, yet, energetic. It is a messed up vision that lies to the eyes. With a sight that looks so calm and complacent, to the truth of murder and noises shouting across the seas.
Tap- tap- tap- tap- tap. IT is as if the world itself was just one big computer and every part of it consisted of 0's and 1's. Each row that passes by utters a significant click to develop a sound that could portray the rushing of waters, the buzzing of the wind, the hums of the grass.
Tap-tap-tap. She continues to listen to the main sounds that streams through her head, her eyes still unmoving. Waiting, watching, wishing for something to occur, something that would make the world seem less dark on such a bright day. Alas, her hopes become futile and she falls into a pit of thought.
The taps stop, the world ceases to exist. Or the world that everyone perceives ceases to exist. Now, she is in her own world where her thoughts rule her mind. Her face solemn she stares.
Thoughts slow down and she enters a delusional fantasy world where all her aggravations, fears, and questions pile up into one story. One after another, who knows how much time could pass by. What feels like hours rushing past is actually only a few seconds. What feels like days is only a few minutes. Yet, she continues onwards with her world. Until, something disrupts it and she enters back into the reality that everyone else perceives.
So today was the first day of my actual Spring Break. Unfortunately, this year was going to be different because I was missing a friend. Yes, missing. One of my friends already had her spring break a couple weeks before mine now. How unfair is that? Well either way she gets out earlier, but still she was not going to be here with us. It felt weird. So my friend Kate and I cocked up an idea for a road trip, and this is where the story launches off.
So Kate comes to pick me up around 9:45, now I haven't see her in ages so of course I am elated and am practically jumping off my high horse. After a few moments of "squeeing" and hugs we decided to grab her mom breakfast at Dunkin Donuts and headed back to her house. (Yea, I'm not going into too much detail on the trip to Dunkin Donuts because nothin... WAIT I lied, my friend showed me how to do the western cotton eye Joe. Wow, they do a lot of kicks, I'd die like a quarter of the way through the song.) Okay so when we arrive back at her house her mom tells us the safest route to get to our friends college and how to reset the mile counter so it would be easier to follow. So yea, let's see. We grabbed some donuts from the stash, grabbed some magazines and placed 'em in the back seat then what not, blah blah, I don't know how much details you want to know about this.
This was our first ever road trip and for the first 20 minutes everything was fine and dandy... now it was not until we came up to what MapQuest said was a "roundabout" and both me and my friend had been out of the state (not to mention haven't driven) for a while so we completely forgot terms of the road. I just end up staring at map quest and I'm like "what the heck is a roundabout?" we then see a sign that says "circle" and we're like "okay..." and we come up to it, but we're completely confused so we turn around and head straight down the opposite direction, drove for a while and the whole time I just kept thinking "this... doesn't feel right." Eventually, we ended up in some sort of ghettos. Omg, I was so freaked out. There were people standing in the middle of the roads. So we both were like "oh shit..." and we came up to a light, made a u-turn and rushed back the opposite way. Kate then was like, "ummmm maybe we should call my mom and tell her to drive us there." The first thing that came into my mind was "are you kidding?! She'd never let us make another road trip again!" But instead I just end up saying "oh well let's try one more time, if we fail then we'll call your mom." She agrees (thank god) and we go on. Well luckily this time around we realize that the circle is the "roundabout" and we take it, now the map said the 3rd exit, but we end up taking the 2nd from what I recall. So I of course am like "wait, I think we're going the wrong way" and she's like "no we're not, no we're going to pull over and talk this out so we don't get lost again." But when she pulls over I see someone and I'm like "Let's just ask directions." So we ask and the man we asked looked like he worked at the gas station as probably a car fixer, but he was really nice. He told us that we were on the right path and told us where we had to go because I asked him if we were on the right path and he even repeated it to us twice real nice so we could truly understand. Kate and I both agreed he was really nice. She wanted to give him a hug, but thought against it and I agreed, that'd just be creepy. Of course I apologized to Kate for ever doubting her. And we were on our way. But of course we had to have a donut to calm our nerves and fill out bellies because it was already sometime around 12pm.
We drive and everything is fine once more. Though we did end up seeing a truck with one door missing. And I mean a door MISSING. There was no other door. Like I could see inside the truck, we like ended up getting really close to the truck on it's said it was about half a mile away and we caught up just so I could capture a picture. But seriously, the truck was empty, thank goodness. So we keep driving and we're really close this time. BUT we end up in another ghetto trying to follow signs. Now I would ASK for help, but when everyone looks sketchy there is NO way I am going to ask someone for directions, so instead we go the opposite way and end up on the south side in a city ghetto. Yes in one car ride we end up in 3 different ghettos. Well this time we pull over and I got to ask someone where the college was because I knew we were really close. Well he directs us (we met nice people :) ) and we make our way over. Luckily we do end up finding our way and we make it THERE. Yes!! Well, now the next thing to do would be to call my friend and find out where she lives.
Well, we made it to the college. Like I said, but we needed to find out WHERE exactly she was. Time for a phone call. While Kate went to park somewhere so we could find a map of the campus I gave her a little ring. So we dial and of course she picks up, and I'm just like "hey!! What are you up to?" She says she's having breakfast and I nonchalantly bring up the fact that I'm hanging out with Kate and we're discussing what dorms we are. I was like "Hey, so How is life on the South side?" Just to make sure that I knew she was a on the right side of the campus and luckily she was like "oh it's good" then I was like "Yea, so Kate is the Hapner Whores, I'm the Leo Lions... but we were like, what is Caitlin?" Then she's like "Oh.. I'm just Main, just Main, we don't have anything special" and I'm like "ooooh! Okay, well that's rather sad." Then she keeps talking and I'm so sorry to her but I was not paying much attention. So we enter a building I end up handing off the phone to Kate telling Caitlin that I'm going to hand the phone to Kate. SO while Kate distracts her I end up going up to the help desk asking for a map and where exactly Main Dorm was. He was really nice and helpful. And he circled the building and said that we would have to swipe in, but luckily instead we could just end up knocking on one of the basement doors and someone would let us in. :)
So we headed down, parked the car underneath a bridge and walked over to her dorm. I made Kate call Caitlin and Kate asked Caitlin about her breakfast by going "So are you eating breakfast? Because you know ' the most important meal of the day, serving it up Gary's way' Du!" And of course she finds out that Caitlin was having breakfast in her room. So we stand at the front door and Kate and I look at each other like "ummm... how are we going to get in?" So Kate goes (since she's still talking to Caitlin) "Hey Caitlin, you want to come down and let us in?" Then luckily at that moment some guy came by and was like, "hey do you guys need in?" I was like "yes!" So he let us in and I instantly looked at Kate and was like "omg tell her JK!" So Kate was like "JK!" Then she handed me the phone and Caitlin asked questions like what we were up to and what we had for lunch and of course I made answers that would make sense, like that we fried rice and what-not.
Remembering that her floor was the fourth we find the stairs and head to the fourth floor. Her dorm is weird, when I stepped in I was in a little like lounge area, but it looked like a little kids play area with a TV. For a second I thought I stepped into a daycare. But only for a brief second. From there we saw a door that had her name on it and we knocked; now the whole time she is still talking on the phone to me. I apologize again because I was not paying attention; I was too busy finding the door. Well the first one no one came, so we knew that it could not be her room because she was in it. So we headed down the short hall and saw another door with her name on it. This time when we knocked I heard her say through the phone "hold on someone is knocking at the door." Well you can only imagine what happened when she opened the door.
Yes that's right, we tackled her with hugs. Now the whole time she just kept going "what the fuck guys!!!" She was completely surprised and had no idea what in the world was going on. But we knew she enjoyed seeing us randomly like that. :)
So after our huge surprise she brought us around the area for a walk, we checked out her campus and where she goes to eat, the bookstore, her classrooms, etc. Walked around, and on the way back to her dorm to play Apples to Apples she took us along a scenic route where Kate got in a fight with a goose and won. Yea, she's the reason why geese attack. See they can't attack her so instead they attack other people who don't do anything. Well after that and catching up, like I said we played apples to apples. Besides that we just watched Throw down and Iron Chef America. Well time came too soon and we had to leave around 5:20. We said our goodbyes, with honey straws, and got good news that we will end up seeing her this coming weekend. So yay!!
Ummmm, wow this was soooo long. My brain hurts. My arm hurts. I think I'm done because we just ended up heading back to Kate's house after we left Caitlin. It was an AWESOME road trip and I <3 it so much. First Road trip ever = SUPERSPECIALAWESOME!! <3
So have you noticed? When nothing negative happens in your day you're like "yay," but then at the same time when someone asks you how your day was you're like "it was good..." Now there are days that are spectacular where you just plain cannot shut up about. But it always seems to be that the days that suck hell are the ones where you always tend to be more attached to. It's like the other night someone could have called you a bitch, now you know for days you're going to be bothered by that one word (now this person could be the most idiotic, pointless person ever, but it don't matter you'll still be pissed). So for days you'll be sitting there and I promise you like 3 days later you’ll be like " omg why the hell did that person call me a bitch?! Asshole!"
But then when it's a good day, you tend to just be like whatever and you go to post on what you did today, but all you can think about it nothing really to post... However, that is not the point because I have a story for you today.
Yes I probably could have posted this last night, but here we go. Ready? Comfy? Alright.
So the other day I was in my friend’s dorm room, which we have labeled as the "lounge" for our group, watching ABDC. Which was awesome, why? Because Quest Crew Won!!! <3 So I end watching not only the finale that aired at 10:00pm, but the re-run at 11:00pm. Yatta yatta, I end up staying up until around 1:00- 1:30 am and I was like "oh boy I need to get to bed soon if I'm going to go to my 9:30 am class. So I climb into bed, now this is where things get interesting. Now I'm in bed for no longer than 1 hour, I'm having an awesome dream, one that you could really sink your teeth into and enjoy and hope never to wake up. But no, I was awakened. By what? What else, a blazing obnoxious sound that rings in the very ears of all people in dorms every now and again. The fire alarm. But why stop there? There is also an obnoxious flashing light that flashes on and off quickly that could give almost anyone a seizure (seriously, that shit ain't safe). So like usual everyone cusses, but gets out of the building anyway.
However, as I was stumbling out of my room and into the stairwell to go down I felt some moisture on my hand. My initial reaction was along the lines of "wtf" but because it was 2:30 am I was no in any mood to look around, I was practically being led out of the building by the massive mob of people. Upon arrival outside I meet up with my friends and a jerk. Yes a jerk. Why is this person a jerk? Simple, when the fire alarm goes off the last thing you want to see is someone standing outside your dorm, FROM ANOTHER DORM, laughing at you. Yes, laughing at you, wtf. I wanted to just grab their head and bash it through something, but I was way too out of it and way too tired to be able to grasp anything so my idea of injuring someone had to be put on hold. Well luckily this dorm had another dorm nearby so me and my friend just ended up walking into the other dorm and sat there. Just sat there, for an hour. An hour. The fire truck comes and the usual the firemen enter the building (this is all within the hour that we're sitting around). After 45 min of sitting around we decide to head outside to see what is going on because by this point they should be letting us back in. Whoops, wrong again. Turns out that some sprinklers in the building were going off. Again my initial reaction was "wtf." Could you imagine? All your stuff dripping wet because of a fire alarm. No fire, just a fire alarm because of some idiot. That is thousands of dollars of stuff destroyed.
Well anyway, after probably ten minutes of hanging around outside we decide to go back inside to the other dorm because, yes, it was cold. Now we were in there for a few minutes before hearing someone come in and say "the dorm building is shut down for now, they don't know how to turn off the sprinklers, we have to all go to the cafeteria." The cafeteria!? Are they kidding me?! We thought it was a joke, a random kid coming in and telling us to go to the cafeteria... please say it was a joke. No. No joke, we had to go all the way to the cafeteria.
Now this whole time no one was telling us what was going on. Not even the RA's nor the Mentor knew what in the world was happening. It was just plain happening. I mean seriously. So we hang around in the damn cafeteria, sleep deprived for 3 hours. 3 stupid hours that I could have been enjoying my awesome dream. From that I just sat on top of a table just completely silent. Why stop there, how can it be worse? There was a group of people next to me (nice, but when it's 4:00 am no one should be talking, I don't care, NO ONE SHOULD BE TALKING) throwing froot loops around trying to catch it in their mouths, singing (poorly), and doing stupid things and just being overly loud. It was like a bad TV show that you just wanted to chuck the remote at so you no longer had to watch it and there could be silence. Sure you could "turn the TV off" but when you're pissed at 4 in the morning you don't think completely straight. So finally after a grueling 3 hours somebody finally comes in to the cafeteria and tells us the "nice" version of what was going on. He basically tried to make jokes to lighten the mood, said we had some mishap and then said we could go back eventually. Eventually took way too long. So long they ended up ordering pizza for us.
But it does not stop there, I got off easy compared to other people. When they were letting us go they let us out from the 6th floor down (thank god I live on the 4th floor). But, some people had to stay until breakfast. Why? Their rooms were totaled. The water had seeped into their rooms and destroyed almost everything. At least one room on floors 6, 5, 4, and 2 was totaled. Water destroyed almost everything. I was right next to one of the damaged rooms and I can only be ecstatic and thankful that nothing happened to mine. I would have flipped a shit.
So yea, we get back to the dorms at 5:30 am. I e-mail my teacher explaining to her why I cannot make my 9:30 class and end up sitting on facebook because I am unable to catch a glimpse of sleep. Yes, I finally get back and I can't sleep. It probably took me until 6:30 to sleep because people in the halls were so loud running around and what-not. Plus side, I got to see the sun rise. Not really, so I finally just plain clock out. So I lie there and after a while when I'm about to wake up I think "oh shit, it's probably only 9:00 am." No. It was 12:15 pm. Half of my day was gone and I was still exhausted.
Thank god it's Friday. It was not until later that day that I went to see the RD with some of my friends to figure out what happened.
Turns out. Someone, yes someone messed with the sprinkler system on the 7th floor and caused it to burst, causing the east corridor rooms to flood on the specific floors mentioned earlier. He said the probability that it was a maintenance error was slim to none, someone was up there screwing around and they are looking deep into the situation.
Well that's my story. And seriously, I'm still exhausted. And seriously, that was one of those "FML" moments.
Sitting here I feel a great strain on my own heart. I feel like someone is clutching it tight in their grasp making me want to scream in pain. I feel… so much. Can you describe in one word how you feel? Sad? That’s no longer a correct description of a feeling anymore. You can be sad you didn’t do well on a test, but you won’t cry. You can be sad you and your boyfriend broke up, but you could be fine. But, each pain of sadness has a distinct feeling and mine feels like something clutching onto my heart. There is someone screaming in my head to let myself burry my head and cry. To let all my anguish out at once so that I will stop feeling like shit. Do I want this feeling to end? Let’s face it, even if I were to somehow fix it, it would happen again. The same situations, the same causes, the same angry faces. I wish sometimes I could go one by one and tell everyone I was sorry, but that’s only now that I look back on the situations. Though I am nearly positive at the time I did not need to say anything of the sort because they were all bastards and I wasn’t helping but I was not going to say sorry to those who only accept fake shits. I’m sick of so much that when someone asks me to tell them what’s wrong I pour my heart out in nonsensical blurbs. Once I let them out I feel better… for a minute. Then the feeling comes back. In the end, nothing will solve this. So behind this smile, will always be a silent lie.